How to Succeed in Starfleet

According to James T. Kirk there are 30 simple steps…

1. Is your antagonist a ship? Yes 12 No 2
2. Is your antagonist a life form? Yes 4 No 3
3. Is your antagonist a computer or robot? Yes 17 No 9
4. Is your antagonist humanoid? Yes 7 No 5
5. Is your antagonist noncorporeal? Yes 6 No 9
6. Can your antagonist be convinced to become a corporeal female? Yes 23 No 21
7. Is your antagonist female? Yes 23 No 8
8. Is your antagonist male? Yes No 27
9. Make it Spock’s problem
10. Goto 29
11. Have you neutralised the threat? Yes 29 No 9
12. Is your antagonist > 500m away? Yes 13 No 15
13. Play dead
14. Goto 12
15. Phaser the sucker
16. Goto 11.
17. Spout paradoxes
18. Have you neutralised the threat? Yes 29 No 19
19. Ask it to tell you the last digit of pi
20. Goto 11
21. Wait because a non corporeal parent figure will save your arse.
22. Have you neutralised the threat? Yes 29 No 21
23. Shagathon
24. Have you neutralised the threat? Yes 29 No 23
25. Brawl
26. Goto 11
27. Get Scotty to invite your antagonist on a drinking binge
28. Goto 11
29. Bask in the glory of being the greatest starship captain ever
30. End